Here’s yet another contribution from our good friend from Riverside, that renegade free lance writer John Rockwell As usual it’s best not to take John too seriously.

HIGHLIGHTS OF FEST

By John Rockwell

AHA Handy Tasters Guide— Even though the presence of AHA directors and officers was scant, they were kind enough to donate a convenient little tasters guide. I have included the text below for your benefit:

"AHA Tasters Guide For The Beer Challenged Underwritten by Anheuser Busch, Inc. Desirable Beer Flavors: Corn, water, cereal, rice Undesirable Beer Flavors: bitterness, hops aroma/flavor and maltiness Common Beer Flavors: cardboard, "skunk-like" Recommended Beer Styles: "Premium" or "Ice" beer is best

You may use the convenient checklist below to chart your samples:

Beer Name Bud Not A Bud Is Bud Superior

___________ ___ ___ YES

___________ ___ ___ YES

___________ ___ ___ YES

(The AB International Companies would like to thank Charlie Papazian for his continued support. We still stand by him despite rumors that he is a cross-dresser.)

Greedy Former Fest Speakers/Mysterious Celebrity Disappearances—Ray Daniels got greedy this year. Instead of speaking at the Fest for free in front of the unwashed masses, he decided to hold homebrewing seminars off-site and charge for them Some really compelling topics were slated, such as "What kind of Propane should you use in your burner?" and "Brewing with extract: I've never used grain." He actually had a seminar planned for the Sunday after the Fest which makes me wonder about how many brain cells his brewing craft has left him. On that fateful Sunday morning, I'm sure hundreds of homebrewers were asking themselves, "Am I ever going to want a beer again?"

Here's my rant about these seminars: selling homebrewing information is akin to selling homebrew; it's just plain wrong. Why? Other than the fact that the person doing the selling usually thinks they have something more valuable than they really do, why would anybody want to pay for something they can get for free?

Anniversary Fest—In order to make sure that everyone will have a chance to enjoy the 10th anniversary of the Homebrewers Festival, they will number the 10th, 11th and 12th years as 10a, 10b and 10c. This way everyone is sure to make it to this very important 10th anniversary.

The Las Vegas Contingency and Personal Freedom— Sheldon Jackson, who we know is a purveyor of fine beer and excessive hops, was also a purveyor of personal freedom by the end of the fest. He was saying stuff like, "Son, it's because of guys like me you live in a free country!" and, "Back in WWII..."

Correlation of Fest Data—a scientific look at the homebrew festival

Maltose Falcon's Ego Level-There is an ongoing dispute as to whether it’s Charlie Papazian who invented homebrewing or their club.

Beer to Urine Ratio (in Cubic Feet)-You may not have known that they actually measure these things, but they do. If one were to look at the backside of any of those urinals, you would have found little water meters.

Beer 1998*********************** Urine 1998*********************** Beer 1997*********************** Urine 1997*********************** Beer 1996*********************** Urine 1996***********************

Cigar Smoking Levels-Fad smokers have been a part of the brew fest for the past three years or so. I've been smoking cigars for over five years now. However, cigar smoking and beer tasting do not mix well at all, which the fad smokers don't seem to realize. When you light up, you are done tasting beer. As long as you realize this fact, enjoy your cigar. But don't pretend you can still taste anything except a cigar.